The fact that you have attempted to take your life on a few occasions continues to haunt me. I cannot stop thinking, but why? You surely know that you are the man. I would like to believe that at least a million of your country men and women, like me, look up to you and idolize you. Your reach and influence in fact is felt across the continent of your birth. Why do you want to end your life?
I sometimes get bored of waking up and having to ‘live’ on a daily basis. The waking up, washing, eating, driving, talking, working, etc. Every damn day. No timeouts from what can be a really tedious routine. Either dead or alive. No elective coma for a week. Do you go through the same emotions?
I am really struggling with assessing what my successes are, and with accepting that I am not the success I thought I would be. Are you going through the same struggle?
You come across as a selfless guy. Someone that gives too much of their being and resources to making others lives better. That can be a problem. Trust me, I know. You end up living for the approval of those you sacrifice for. Weird, because they can’t disappoint you but when you don’t match their expectations you suddenly realise how empty your life is. We have to be careful and not live for the approval of others.
Did I tell you that my father hung himself just over 10 years ago? I am not sure why he did that but it has a bit to do with the fact that he had fallen flat on his arse. He had lost his status, wealth, dignity and his wife was about to leave him. He worked tirelessly to provide for us and supported his wife through her business adventures and experiments. In the end they were broke, in debt and he was an alcoholic. What was there to live for? Are you at that stage? Is that how you feel?
There are probably a hundred more angles to this thing including loss of loved ones to disease, violence and other causes of death. Being rejected by a lover, a child or a group you admire. Feeling like a relic or being outdone by others even though you have given it your all. Traumatic experiences some first hand, others empathized. I don’t know where you fit into the suicidal profile and it frankly is not my business.
Here I am going on and on about things I have no business going on about. Here is the deal. You gave me a style to run with. To this day I still think of myself as a hiphop pantsula. Today it is the most normal of things but when you came out a person was either or. I was weirdly both. Grew up in the hood but moved to the burbs. I loved rap from when I heard Hammer but I went to a kwaito school. I am the duality that is a HHP.
You gave us your life in audio format. Your rich tapestry in tasteful art form. The way you have rocked so many styles and set trends, with such confidence and successfully is simply amazing. You know that you are a huge reason there is even a hip hop industry in this country. Even these new age kwaito rapper kids are your seeds.
You have given me a lot to run with and I try to apply what I learn every time I listen to your music. Positivity, creativity, humour, language, business, friendship, family relations and community to name a few.
You have given me a lot so in return I give you my gratitude, respect and love. I ask you to choose life and to chose Leano but then that is what I choose for you. Ultimately the choice is yours.
Ka lerato leo!